Caught in the Loo

Billy Radcliff (not his real name) joined the 1st Battalion South Wales Borderers in Khartoum in 1949. He was one of 15, or so, national service officers allocated to the Borderers. All of them, without exception, 'pulled their weight' and contributed enormously to the efficiency of the Battalion.

Khartoum was just about as far removed from Dering Lines, Brecon as Billy could imagine. The ghosts of Generals Kitchener and Gordon seemed to stalk the two main highways - Kitchener Avenue flanking the waterfront and Gordon Avenue 200 yards away, running parallel to the Blue Nile. Each thoroughfare sported bronze statues of their namesakes - Kitchener in equestrian pose and Gordon, mounted on a richly caparisoned camel, wearing a fez. The gunboat Melik, a relic of Kitchener's campaign to recapture the Sudan in 1896, was still tied to a tree on the bank of the river and gave historic flavour to the Sudan's desert capital. The Governor General's Palace looked much the same as it did when General Charles Gordon had his head severed there in 1885.

Billy, like most others just out from home, took a week or two to get used to the hot, dry climate of the Sudan and he experienced that debilitating condition known as 'gippy tum’ which kept newcomers on a constant trek to and from the lavatory. During this period, Billy spent a considerable amount of time in his room trying to keep cool under a fan that spun lazily from a high ceiling. He did not have far to go to reach the loo as each room in the officers' block had ablution facilities which included a thunder box (hollow wooden seat surrounding a metal bucket). There was an exit hole at the rear for removal of night soil.

During the early hours of the morning, the Bombay Express, a four-wheeled cart driven by a native and drawn by a camel would meander through the lines collecting used latrine buckets and replacing them with empty ones. Except for the squeaking of the metal hinge on the exit hole of the latrine (like a cat-flap), the Bombay Express made very little noise and most people were undisturbed by its nocturnal perambulation.
Billy was on his fourth night of 'gippy tum’ and for the umpteenth time he rose from his bed and made his way to the thunder box. He was sitting on the seat wondering how much longer his system could endure such violent upheavals when he heard the clink of buckets and the quiet snort of a camel.
When the wagon drew up at the back of Billy's quarters, the driver lifted the flap, reached inside and grabbed the bucket prior to loading it into the cart. But the still night air reverberated with the sound of a piercing scream. It was Billy, who nearly had his genitals severed by the rim of the bucket on its way out. The camel, now thoroughly alarmed, 'took off' and jettisoned its load from one end of the officers' mess to the other.
There was considerable loss of blood on Billy's part and he spent the rest of the night in much discomfort.

It does not take long for wounds to fester in Khartoum and by mid morning Billy was asked by his company commander why he was walking in a lop-sided way. He explained what had happened and was told to report at once to the MI Room.
The MO removed the bandage and inspected Billy's infected appendage with considerable interest. "How did you say you caught this?" he said. Billy replied: "I didn't say I caught it. What I said was: 'it got caught on a latrine bucket." The Medical Officer raised his eyebrows and said: "I've heard many hard luck stories, but this is the first time I've heard the 'lavatory seat' excuse."
To be on the safe side, the MO asked Billy questions of a personal nature. Young Radcliff was horrified that anyone should think he had behaved in a manner unbecoming an officer and a gentleman and he stoutly defended his honour. "Besides," he stuttered, "I've only been in the Sudan for five days."