Water Skiing by Numbers

In addition to the two battalions of Malaysia Rangers, there was also a small 'group' headquarters run by a British Colonel assisted by a Major and a clerk. Colonel Wellstead was a 'Sapper' (Royal Engineer) before he received his red tabs; he had an extremely loud voice and his nick-name - 'Boomer', was most appropriate.
'Boomer' Wellstead was the perfect choice for the job of Malaysia Ranger Group Colonel. He was the epitome of efficiency and everything he did was planned to the finest detail. He and his wife ran excellent parties, but while the rest of us were content to provide our guests with just good food and wine, Boomer's parties included all sorts of party games which left everyone exhausted in mind and body.
Ipoh, the capital of the state of Perak, has the reputation for being the hottest place in Malaya. When not engaged in jungle training, it was customary to work from 7am to 1pm and then take a siesta until 4.30pm, when games would be played. 'Siesta' was a word that did not exist in the Colonel's vocabulary; while others were getting their heads down, he was off rock climbing or hacking his way through jungle in pursuit of fauna, if he could find someone to accompany him.
Ipoh Swimming Club was well attended at week ends and was the favourite meeting place on Sunday mornings. When Boomer and his family arrived (he had an elegant wife and three charming teenage daughters), it was apparent that his passion for precision had brushed off on his family. When they had changed into their swim suits, they would assemble at the deep end where Boomer would give the command for their formation swimming routine to begin. He would be the first to dive in followed by his wife and then his daughters in order of seniority. The exhibition they gave was reminiscent of the days of Esther Williams and her nymphets in the great films of the 1940's. While the Wellstead family were in the pool, it was unthinkable for anyone else to cool off. Even when they had exited like five well disciplined penguins, it made the rest of us feel so inadequate that a quiet dip seemed pathetic in comparison.
It was not long before Boomer added water skiing to his list of family (and friends’) activities. He kitted out his family with water skis and arranged to have a motor boat available at a place called Lumut on the west coast about 45 miles away. We didn't see the Wellstead family at the Swimming Club for a few weeks as they were busy honing their skills with their new sport.
Boomer liked to do everything according to the rules but was unable to find any for water skiing, so he set about writing a pamphlet. He was proud of the fact that he was the first person to create a set of rules about the sport and he kept it in his office for anyone who was interested to flick through the pages.
Captain John Williams of the 1st Battalion had cause to visit the Colonel's office one day and saw the pamphlet on the table. "How interesting, sir," he said. "I didn't know that a pamphlet on water skiing existed." Boomer smiled at the young officer and replied: "You are looking at the only one in existence - I wrote it!" John was not a keen water skier, in fact water skiing was practically unknown in 1965, but it paid to keep in with the Colonel and John showed more interest in the pamphlet than he would have done if someone else had written it.
"Do you think I could borrow it, sir?" he asked. Photo copying, like water skiing, was in its infancy and Boomer was reluctant to let his one and only pamphlet out of his hands. But John's interest in the document impressed him so much that he allowed him to take it away. "Make sure you take care of it," said Boomer, "and bring it back on Monday morning."
John put the document in his brief case and took it home. That night he put it on his bedside table so that he could read it if he woke up early on the Sunday morning. When he did open his eyes, he found that his wife had gone to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and to let the dog out - it being the servant's day off. He reached for the pamphlet, but as he could not find it, he turned over and went back to sleep, but only for about ten minutes before waking up again to the slobbering caress of an exuberant Labrador puppy he had recently acquired.
John, still half asleep, was roused to full wakefulness when his wife came back, bearing a cup of tea, and exclaimed: "Oh, what a mess, look what the dog's done." John sat up, followed her gaze and saw a mass of chewed up paper covering the bedroom floor. He and his wife did not go to the Swimming Club that day just in case the Wellsteads were there.
The following morning, after a sleepless night, John had to confess to Boomer that his pamphlet no longer existed. The Colonel's reaction was just as volatile as John had predicted and he expected to be told to pack his bags. But Boomer's bark was worse than his bite and his clerk was soon at work making a new copy from the hand-written manuscript.
The Wellsteads were a very kind and sociable family and once you got used to Boomer's passion for organising everything, it was fun to be in his company. Once he and his family had mastered the techniques of water skiing, Boomer set about instructing officers and their wives in the sport. Some welcomed the invitation to spend a morning of water skiing at Lumut, while others were not so keen - particularly one officer and his wife who had a horror of sea snakes and jelly fish. When they eventually received their invitation, they thought hard about how they could refuse without being rude. There was no way out so, with much trepidation, they set off the following Sunday for the west coast.
A total of three families had been invited for this session and, as each party arrived at the jetty, they were ferried to a boat anchored two hundred yards away to wait their turn. One officer from 1st Rangers was already being towed at speed behind the motor boat in which Boomer was at the helm conducting operations. After about ten minutes of faultless skiing, the officer let go of the tow and halted effortlessly beside the boat carrying the remainder of the party.
Boomer drew alongside and nominated the fellow who had just arrived to prepare himself. He, by design or lack of aptitude, could not even manage to get his skis on the service. When it became apparent he was a non-starter, his reluctant wife was ordered to get into the water and put her skis on. To everyone's amazement, she was able to get moving on the first tow and within a few seconds was skimming over the surface at top speed in the crouch position. Everything seemed to be going well until she parted company with the tow-rope. There was a huge splash with arms, legs and skis flailing the water. Boomer was alongside her in a few seconds, but despite his encouragement and congratulations on a promising start, he could not persuade her to have another go. She was brought back to the 'waiting details' boat and sat quietly with her husband until it was time to go ashore for the picnic. Even then she was quiet and as soon as the couple could make their excuses, they got into their car and went back to Ipoh.
Had the unfortunate lady been in possession of a copy of Boomer's pamphlet, she would have known what to do when she became 'sea-borne'. The pamphlet stated: "The crouch position should not be held for more than a few seconds once the skis are skimming over the surface, then you should stand upright. Failure to do so, as far as females are concerned, is to run the danger of receiving a high pressure enema of sea water." Boomer completed the paragraph with: 'Males do not have the same problem as they are equipped with a built-in baffle plate.'